|Scraps of light through the adobe ruins next to the grove|
Today is my one year blogoversary. It is this and only this that has finally gotten me to sit down and write a post. I have missed blogging and think about it almost every day, but my life has become so full of other things that I haven't had the inspiration. To find some, I walked over to the church today, but there were too many people around so I ended up in the grove, where I sat and wrote this post by hand. I have found myself sitting in the grove more often lately than in the church courtyard. It's green again, although the mass graves of trees are still untended.
So much has happened since I last posted, that I don't know where to begin. Should I tell you about my busy life? The immense sense of loss and sadness I've been feeling? Should I talk about how disconnected I've become from my writing?
Or maybe I should try to be more positive, and tell you about my discoveries about bats, or the white cat I keep seeing, or my lemon tree dream. But all these things are moments that have passed, inspirations that have faded in the face of too much work.
I'm not happy. I know I need to just accept the way my life is right now, surrender to it. Believe me, I'm working on that moment by moment, but there is a very sad little girl inside me who wants to come out and play. And I don't know what to tell her to make her stop banging on the door.
And I realize how much I miss you all, my blogging friends. It's not only the writing that I miss, it's the community, the support. I feel very alone in my life these days, very much like I'm carrying a heavy burden by myself. Stumbling and faltering under it.
But life goes on, and I just keep taking the next step. At times I have glimpses of all this as a journey of significance, but mostly it just feels like stumbling in the dark. I get tired of trying to hang onto the scraps of light that are tossed me. I get mad at God for not giving me more, and then I'm ashamed for feeling that way.
And that's why I need - NEED - to write about those scraps, because it's the only way for me to hold onto them as guides, as reminders of the greater journey, the better story. I need to tell you about last week when I had both a butterfly and a dragonfly on my finger in the same day. They were both trapped in my house at different points, and I freed them.
I need to tell you about dreaming of a sugarlaced lemon tree so glorious that gazing up into it was like eating the sun.
I need to tell you about the lessons bats have been trying to teach me about surrender and rebirth, about echolocation, in which bats navigate in the dark by using their voices to create sounds that reverberate off objects - the ability to see with the ears, to hear with the voice. Because by telling you, I have a greater chance of really learning the lessons, internalizing and integrating them. I too hear with my voice. I learn by teaching.
And now, just by writing all this, I feel lighter, happier, inspired, free. It occurs to me that this post follows a similar structure to some of the biblical psalms that start out with a lament and end with praise because by writing the lament the psalmist has seen the joy again.
Now I see that the writing I haven't been doing had hardened around me like ice, that scraps of light left unshared leave me cold, and once that happens, I have to write into the cold to break through it.
The fire must be tended or it dies out. The fire must be fed, and for me that means writing it.